The first days are for touching things. I do not get a flashlight until the sixth day.
The first days I touch: a ball? But it has a hole in it. It is not a Chinese ball. I stick my finger in it. It is damp and warm. It is rubber like a ball. I bounce it. It doesn’t bounce. I pick it up and lay it down on the mattress. I lie on it. I stick my finger in it, and force my face against a crease in its center. It smells like balloons. It comforts me. I fall asleep. The rest of the first day until most of the sixth day, I stick my finger in it and it comforts me and I stop screaming. Because I stop screaming Ren gives me a flashlight.
The first thing I want to shine with the flashlight is the ball.
It is not a ball. It is a rubber doll, but only part of her. The ass and pussy part. I decide I do not want the flashlight anymore I turn it off. I want my ball back. I lie on the ball but it is not the same. I want to scream. But I don’t. I ask myself
what would Patsy Cline do?
I turn the flashlight back on and point it from the dirt floor at me. Then I mic the ball. I sing. I sing and ash my mouth in its ball-ass and finger its ball-pussy. Its pussy that smells like balloons.