Because so much of what you write is merely a growl against reality. To insist on reality is lunacy. Now’s probably not the best time to plan a vacation but if it keeps you from dwelling on painful subjects I’m all for it. If there is more than one me I apologize but it’s not me it’s language. What happens is you become attached to things you can’t have and that don’t belong to you. And there’s no way of describing that except in the way that you did when you were wishing he would come home while at the same time hoping he would succeed with the girl and not thinking about it as much as possible in the meantime.